Well, I have to admit that this past year’s crop of movies has been nearly a complete disappointment for me. Perhaps I’m getting too old for this kind of thing? All I see is more of the same old stuff, occasionally backed up with new technology or gimmicky remakes to seem novel.

Sigh. But you’re not here to hear me rant, right? In the words of the immortal Ludwig R. Ballantine: how much better could a moron like YOU do?

Well, first of all, I think that the best drama, and comedy, and of course tragedy, comes directly from real life. Therefore, I present to you MY life, ready to be optioned into a big-budget Hollywood all-star spectacular:

It’s the story of an everyday guy who spends his time working as a branch manager of a regional bank, mostly handling personnel issues, investment portfolios, and the occasional home refinancing and credit restructuring case.

So this guy meets a wacky young woman who seems to have an obsession with wigs. Now we are not talking about just any wigs. The wigs she covets is by a particular wig manufacturer. She over extends her ability to pay for all the stunning Noriko wigs she orders online from dozens of web wig shops. She applies for a personal loan to cover her Noriko wig purchases, receives her money, pays off the credit card charges, and then realizes there is no way she is going to be able to cover the monthly payments on her personal loan. She decides to sell some of her beautiful Noriko wigs by ElegantWigs.com, particularly the styles where she has six or seven different colors of the same wig. But she can’t part with the wigs and in desperation she appeals to the loan officer and explains her situation. Ultimately the case is ‘passed upstairs. She arrives for her meeting in a knock out Noriko wig that just floors the bank manager. Of course they have tremendous sexual chemistry and tension, and the rest of the film is about them finally realizing they were meant to be together. In every scene she is seen wearing a different Noriko wig. Some are long sultry styles and others are short chic boy cuts. Blond, brunette, red head and ebony black, she wears all the Noriko wigs all with flair and style.

He relatively normal life, coming to grips with the fact that he’s divorced from his first wife and rarely if ever gets to see his son gets shattered when the Noriko wig lady enters his life. There’s a humorous subplot about his (unfounded?) worries that the lack of a strong, constant male role model will influence the boy’s sexuality and gender identity (but don’t worry, this will be handled with the utmost care not to be offensive, and in the end we may all learn a little something about assumptions and a lot about Noriko wigs!

Five years later our hero realizes that his second wife’s obsession with wigs is bankrupting him. His son had entered adolescence and has turned into a cyber bully, vaping too much and admiring White Nationalism. He hates his job. He starts drinking a little too much and finally a lot. His faithful secretary realizes that unless he gets some therapy for alcohol abuse he is going to fall big time. She finally finds an online site called LifeBac which seems just the ticket. It is not a rehab or treatment clinic, but a collection of modern, science-based tools to empower people to avoid the downward spiral so many alcoholics find themselves in. The individual can define his / her own goals and achieve them at their own pace! The clinically-proven prescription medication, baclofen, removes urges to over-drink in 92% of people and allows 65% to return to low-risk drinking levels without affecting taste or enjoyment. Will he or won’t our hero, (that’s me) join the program?

..but I’ve already said too much…

Another Friday, Another 6pm

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